My friend sent me an email this afternoon in response to a message I sent him out of anger. I felt deeply misinterpreted by him and I wanted him to know that he was "wrong" about the way he saw me or at least that his interpretations hurt me. I felt that I could relax if I had my say. I knew from experience that this would not be entirely satisfying and that any satisfaction would be brief but I thought that 'talking things out' would serve me better than remaining silent since I could not seem to transcend my feelings on my own. The truth is perhaps it did help to send my friend a message but maybe only because of the message I was left with. I am certain that it doesn't really matter. I would like to share the email I was sent:
"These are the lyrics to a song I wrote once:
"The mystery of you and I.
As big as our lives
and wider than the sky"
There is an incalculable mystery that exists in between every relationship you enter into in your lifetime. The mystery that you and I hold between us is a heavy one. It seems that others would be able to think you were upset with them on the phone and you would just be able to tell them that you weren't and you could both laugh about it and move on. I'm sorry that I can't be that person.I am sorry that I hold the role of being the "One Who Misinterprets Me." I don't really want that role. Unfortunately, it looks like we've created it. But that's ok. Someone is bound to play that role again and again in your lifetime, and I, no doubt, will have people play that role in mine.
I have nothing to say to defend myself. It would be like apologizing for the weather. If I found myself being approached often with the charge of misinterpreation, I would take it more seriously. Like you said, however, I am usually credited with just the opposite. Sometimes two people just create weird energy together. That's just how it is. It's no one's fault, but just a mystery. Sometimes, they think they ought to wade through a swamp together to "fix" it, only to find that someone else will play the same role later on.
You are a beautiful soul, Jesse. If I don't recognize that, it is of no importance, and no one's loss but my own.("If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet as you leave that town" Matt: 10:14) I have had to learn the hard way that to attach my identity to anything other than being a "child of God" is useless. All the efforts I've ever made at impression management were futile and ended only in my being exposed. I have had to learn to take comfort in knowing that no matter how wildly fantastic some people's conclusions are about me, or how tiresome other people's projections are, I am a child of God no less and no more than those casting the judgment. God sees through your identity. He/She knows why you do the things you do. He/She loves you and there is nothing that compares to the peace that comes with surrendering your struggles to the One who holds them more easily.
The image that comes to my head is of a child and a mother walking down a road. The child has a backpack that is weighing him down and causing the child much grief. The mother offers to carry the backpack but the child, in his stubborness, refuses. The mother walks with the child until the child cannot go any further and finally offers to let the mother carry the backpack for him. When the backpack is lifted, the child is left with an incredible lightness of being and the strength to carry on.
None of us can carry our burdens, Jesse. The mother is not judging the child for not being strong enough to handle his burdens. In fact, the whole walk is an exercise in learning how to surrender to that stronger power. Thats what this life is! An exercise in which we walk so far with our burdens that we have to surrender them, which results in the feeling of incredible lightness of being! ("Come to me, all you that are weary and carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light" (Matt 11:28-30).
I'm sorry to go on like this.This was unplanned. But more so than anyone else in my life right now I see you carrying your burdens alone. You will never be able to make it to the finish line with all your baggage. In fact, there is no finish line.Your journey won't end until you break under the pressure of your own baggage and you learn to surrender it. I can't take the pressure off your load. Only God (universe, etc.) can."
Who we are, defined by others, is constantly changing. The only people we can ever be "good" for are ourselves. And when we really understand that, good no longer exists. In our actions, in our patience, with our words, we cease to seek unhappiness and we look for peace. When Jesus spoke of forgiveness or Rilke spoke of solitude they were not asking us to become moral people. Instead they were pointing to the dissolving of a fundamental part of who we think we are; one that hides our nature. It is painful to defend ourselves and it is painful to desire a defense. I would like to thank my friend for reminding me that the relief I want can only be found in letting go of what he thinks of me. And to let go, fully, softens my heart and leaves me listening instead of scrambling in fear.