Why I farm

It is up to me to listen to the birds.

And the sights, the smells and sounds of golden fields beckon me.  I am standing still, alone in a vast landscape.  Things are growing and things are decaying.  The chaos cradles me.  With my hands behind my back, I am touching Everything. 

My body is not a sacred temple, but I see why those words were chosen.  It does not want when I am watching.  It experiences.  It floats through empty space that breaths creativity. 

I inhale.  I take off up the mountainside; sprinting, I leap into freedom…

And I am standing still with my hands behind my back. 

The sun has peaked above the cherry trees.  Now it is time for doing; to “chop wood and carry water”.  I take a hoe from the old barn.  Its smell holds the memory of livestock.  The handle is rough in my hands.  It will give me blisters. 

And I work.

What is work?  It is play.  My muscles are awakened.  My lips are salty.    

The pain passing through me is a cloud of mist.  It is dissipating.  I am turning its energy into a smile, through study.   

I have neglected myself in the morning hours, I realize.  In neglect I find boredom and a distance from reality; some waking dream, pained or giddy…like watching tv perpetually.  Through this earth I find my footing.   It is not a fairy tale.  My back begins to ache.  I interned for a farmer in Maryland who told me, as I could barely stand the discomfort, “Backs must be sacrificed for the sake of food production”.   But things are not so serious, no, a cooling wind reveals.

I am playing, with only one foot in the world of form and as the hours pass I am surprised.  Everything is changing.    The lady bugs have gone and then returned.  The broccoli is thirsty again.  The roots of the weeds have grown brittle on the soil’s surface.  Hana has arrived with compost and I am so excited to see her.  Her blue eyes are piercing; dancing with presence. 

The day goes on.  The night is coming.  I am exhausted.

I am happy.  I am complete.  God has never left me.   

Alive through my senses

I am so thankful for my eyes. 

They can absorb the ripples of the wind in a sky that feels endless.  When I was young, I use to lye on my back in the grass and look upwards, amazed by how big the sky seemed to be.  “What would happen if I fell UP?”  I thought.  “I would fall forever”.  The difference between now and then is that I would not mind falling; not this morning, when my senses take the lead and I am watching.   

The space around me is like sand, loose and cool between my fingers.  With my mind I take a handful and form these words, slowly, with enthusiasm.  The imagination of a child is the place we all began to enjoy our senses.  Adulthood offers stillness.  Now we can create without any expectations. 

A few days ago I spoke with a friend about her broken heart.  Age brings more and more sorrow…and then more.  And it brings each of us to a crossroads.  Will we be more foolish than our children?  Or will we embrace this miracle more than our childhood selves were capable.  Will we gaze into the sacred blue and think nothing, and enjoy.  Will we hear the sounds of silence?

A poem

Pain came to her in the night

 like a drowning

And pressed her to the ceiling.

She is a flounder washed to shore

Gasping for the sea

Longing for…

(She doesn’t know)

The scorching sun to drown her.

She was whole

With or without you

Until she left your heart.  

Note to Self; An Unhealthy Routine

An unhealthy routine so quickly changes me;  The green sparkling grass carries a weightily shadow.  Drinking alcohol becomes an activity.     

I feel the ache of identity.  It is pointless and still it is there.  

The morning sun is my favorite light of the day.   I am distracted already.  The drip, gurgle, drip of the coffee maker is background noise.   I have become an obstacle to myself.  But it is not something that needs to be undone.  I have already undone it. 

Things to add back into my day:

1)       1)Yoga in the mornings

2)      2)Get enough sleep

3)      3) Do not have a glass of wine every time you want one

4)      4)Have patience with silence

5)      5)Only speak from the core of your depth 

Today my friend sent me an email

"I want to live life like the convergence of two branches of the same creek, flowing effortlessly toward cosmic unity. Neither mine nor yours, this earth is the consecration of our eternal love. Feel, like these trees whose leaves quiver at a touch from the coming wind, whose branches extend towards the glowing joy of sun. Be humble as the rhododendron that twists and bends, grateful to thrive in the crawling shadow of majesty. Draw strength from the unyielding peaks whose persistence through eons of change beholds a mountainous reservoir of resilience. Pass through lightly, knowing nothing, and loving everything that be."