A bad day

I am having one of those days....
One of THOSE days.
And it reminded me of our deep sensitivity as a family, and our tendency to brave it alone, as the secret hurt rises in silence. 
I love you all so much. 
And here are the thoughts I wrote down earlier tonight.
"So what is it?  I feel abandoned and I have not been.
I feel hate and anger and pain for the ways I have been wronged (with an ever shifting target) and I have not been. 
What carries this untruthful weight?
Is this about being something?
It could be.
It may be."

With honestly love will be the champion of feelings among us. 
I can honestly say I love you both dearly, and that you amaze me.
In case I hadn't said it lately....
Love,
Your daughter, your sister, the one who loves you without condition.    

Heart broken

Ben, I read something you wrote (on facebook no doubt) that conjured a reoccurring

thought of mine.  Now for one reason or another I would like to share it with all of you:   

"Boone is dead for all of us, whether or not we are there.  And if everyone had stayed it would have been all wrong."  

The details of this thought might mean little to some of you (and some of us have discussed this at length) but it points to a shared experience.  

"I can never have that time again."  I have said this and it has been true about many wonderful things in my life.  

What I can have,

What I can have is the magic,

The openness, the growth,

Somewhere else, with someone else.  And who knows, maybe even with some of the same people.  

Screw age as an excuse for the end of the miraculous, of pain and beauty.  It is our numbness to the loss we can't bare that does it; that makes us feel old.  It is our denial of death.

I am not okay.  I am still HEARTBROKEN over the loss of Boone, of my family there, of everything and that is just one death in 25 years of the loss of moments I loved very deeply.  

My whole life I want to experience deaths like this.  I want my heart to break a 1,000 times a day.  I want everything to be that precious.  

And I want to be that aware of the pain that will be in me...inevitably.  

In this moment I do not see loss as tragic.  

My heart is broken, and I am not afraid.